My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
