1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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