I can't breathe out the right side of my face
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
