well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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