i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
