Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
