New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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