As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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