youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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