My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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