then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
