it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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