I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
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