Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
its liver damage thursday
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
