I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
