Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
