I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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