My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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