Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
