it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
