Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
