barbara walters just said penis...
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Green mimosas i think yes
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
