I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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