The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
