Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
