You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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