just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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