I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
