tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
