I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
