Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You can't just leave with hair like that
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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