I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Randomize
