my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize