I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Randomize
