kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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