Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
