You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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