thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
