Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
