so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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