Define "chronic" masturbator.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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