Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
