I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
