I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
