The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
