I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
