Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize