Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
