I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
