Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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