Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
