Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
