Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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