So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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