Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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