Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
