Only a mothe r could love this liver
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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