If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
