Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
