If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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