College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
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