hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
