Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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