i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
