Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize