we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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