I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
