a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
