i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You left your phone here
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