You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
