hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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